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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Every Possible Apocalypse, From Worst to Best


By on 1:38 PM

Every Possible Apocalypse, From Worst to BestEXPAND
The apocalypse gets a bad rap, but let's face it, sometimes you find yourself thinking that if the world as we know it came to an end tomorrow, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. Of course, everything depends on the details, and some apocalypses are better than others. Between meteoric destruction, out of control animals, and a , which doomsday scenarios are the most appealing?
Wonder no more: after literally hours of research, I've finally completed this exhaustive and definitive ranking of the most enjoyable ways for society to crumble, starting at the bottom with the dumbest and most painful of apocalypses and moving on to the ones that sound like they could actually be a pretty good time. Disagree? Comments are open, so don't hesitate to argue with me. 

9. Zombies

Ugh. As far as apocalypses go, Zombie Apocalypse is definitely the worst. Think there are too many people in the world? Me too! But what if all those people smelled worse than they already do and were trying to eat you? It's a nightmare. Even if you manage to survive, your remaining days are spent with a bunch of other creepy weirdos with undead PTSD, all of whom are constantly crying and moodily talking about how they "did what they had to do." Pfffft. Just kill me now and get it over with.

8. Nuclear Winter 

Nuclear winter sucks. It's cold, gloomy, and you've got to push a shopping cart everywhere, licking the insides of soup cans all the time to make sure you get all the baked bean juice. Also, you've probably got some little kid with you that you're trying to protect even though he doesn't belong to you. What a drag. The only reason nuclear winter ranks above zombies is because there's less mess and you get to be the one to eat people. Hey, at least you've got options — cannibalism isn't so bad if you're the one doing it, and if you survive the wastelands long enough you can probably start a cool cult where everyone wears leather vests.

7. Hyper-Intelligent Animals

Personally, I've got my eye on the kangaroos. They're already walking around upright, all cocky and everything. Have you seen these things fight? They are jacked. Terrifying. This only earns a ranking this high because animals are usually cute and maybe they'd put us all in zoos, which means at least we'd get fed.

6. Alien Invasion

When the aliens come to eradicate all of humanity and mine our planet for salt, at least we'll finally know that we aren't alone in the universe. Kinda cool, actually, to fleetingly grasp that life is not unique to Earth and that we're all just part of a cosmic super-flow tha—OH MY GOD THEY'RE HIDEOUS!

5. Global Warming

The ice caps are melting, and now it's only a matter of time before we're living in the post-apocalyptic version of a water park. Look on the bright side — eventually, we'll grow gills and then it won't be so bad at all. There won't be any mutants trying to kill anyone, the evil corporations will all be wiped out, and there will be plenty of seafood to eat. Also: Water slides!

4. Rapture

Woof. See you later, sinners. I look great in white.

3. Meteor

Here's why the earth getting destroyed by a meteor is so awesome. There's always something like a month between the time scientists spot the Australia-sized death rock careening toward us and the moment it actually hits Earth, killing everyone on impact. During that time, everyone will fall into one of three social classes: 1) volunteer astronauts 2) looters 3) orgy people. You really can't lose.

2. The Robots Take Over

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords! Bodies are overrated. Mine's all lumpy and the hair's not where it should be anymore. Sucks ass. Skip the time-traveling muscle-bots, my AI friends. I won't put up a fight when you decide to use my worn-out, fleshy vessel as a battery for your global dominance. Just hook me into the Matrix so I can wile away my post-apocalyptic days in second life everlasting, with plenty of time to play video games. I'm ready for the singularity!

1. OD'd Humans

Those are what the mutants are called in Sunset Overdrive. By the way, they've OD'd on a brain-altering energy drink. Who hasn't occasionally wanted to use improvised weaponry like dynamite-wired teddy bears to kill a bunch of super-aggro energy drink fiends? If this is the apocalypse, I'm ready for it. 
Are you eagerly awaiting the zombie onslaught? Worried about your place in the pecking order after the rapture? Or do you want to die a different way? Tell me in the comments and maybe we can work something out!

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